We met in 6th grade. First time I laid eyes on him, I hated him. I hated who he hung out with, I hated his face—everything. it all just seemed annoying. I was a judgmental little shit who had no friends—I didn’t know how to get along with other people. Every time we passed each other, I always made a point to open my mouth and talk trash. Naturally, he did the same.
One day out of the blew, this guy struck a conversation with me. It was the first time I actually spoke to him. Reluctantly I kept with it, but eventually I found myself enjoying the conversations we had. This was the summer going into 8th grade. The guy I hated became my best friend—we just clicked. He became family—he was like a brother to me. My family even loved him—he was always welcomed. We dated for four months, and I wanted to go back to how things were, even though nothing drastic changed. That was the time I realized I feared commitment—it felt constricting and I also had other fears. I didn’t want to hurt him in the future so I immediately told him how I felt so there wouldn’t be any tension.
We were still best friends after that. But I began to feel jaded. The family cat had to be put down and, I just felt empty after that. Granted the cat was an asshole and occasionally gave me affection, but I loved her no matter what. I grew depressed after that—and what made it worse was the season change. I’m not usually at my best during winter. I stopped talking to people—even him. Some days were better than others, and I would try to connect with him..but that was when I realized it wasn’t the same anymore. I felt a gate between us. I was too late. I didn’t know how to explain it to him without sounding like an idiot. I also didn’t want him to worry, because I hoped my problem would pass soon. But it didn’t. My days grew darker and school became heavier so I just kicked everyone out. Even my best friend—what did it matter anymore? Eventually that gate became a brick wall.
Before I knew it, five months passed and he suddenly cut contact with me. Everything was gone between us. It was spring, then, so I was beginning to feel a little better—though family problems kept pulling it down. I confronted him, and I lost him. I was so flustered—so upset that I couldn’t find the right words to explain to myself. So instead I just yelled at him blindly. It was over after that. I felt the same feeling I felt when my bio Mom left him. That strange tear in your chest. I couldn’t think for days.
Then finally I brought myself to accept it. It’s in the past—and after all it’s high school. If we were to be friends again—it would never be the same. It was my fault in the first place. He always made an effort to be there for me, and I was always grateful. I cherish the fun moments I had with him and our little group of friends. He was a good friend, and I’m glad he was there. Surely we had our ups and downs like any friends would, but in the end we managed. I thought we would manage after my hiatus, but I guess not. :) It was a fun 5 1/2 years of knowing him.
Sorry about how long this is. I caught too involved in the thought.
hnnnggghh dunno if I should watch Antique Bakery or the live action first…help meee